Star Wars: The Last Jedi

I got so high before going in to see "The Last Jedi" it's a wonder I figured out how to get into the theater. We started rocking the shatter bong hardcore, just pump it, pump it, till you can actually feel your brain melting, then hit that nail and do it again and again. At some point somebody asked the question "where are we?" and while I was reflecting philosophically on the matter, somebody else pointed out that we were parked in a lot by the cineplex and we slowly realized that we were here to see 'The Last Jedi'! I could barely function at all, so I went to my old go-to routine of donning dark glasses and a white cane to help disguise my complete stonification by pretending I was just some poor blind guy stumbling around and knocking things over. I usually do this to get past security at rock concerts and it never crossed my mind that a blind guy wouldn't be able to see a movie in the first place, but it worked anyway and soon enough we were in our seats. There were these fucking kids sitting right behind us and they kept kicking my seat like little retards, kicking, kicking, kicking.... so I took the lid off my extra-large Coke and just tossed it over my shoulder. Bingo! Direct hit! The little creeps shuffled off all pissed and whining, covered in sticky cola, us laughing at them, calling them losers, it was great! Then the movie started. The sound was awesome and everything but the screen was pretty freakin' dark I thought, could hardly make out anything. I started chanting "Turn up the brightness! Turn up the brightness!", expecting the rest of the audience to join in to my righteous chant of outrage, but then I realized I still had my Blind Guy Glasses on. Took 'em off and yup, cleared right up. There was some kind of big space battle going on so we took out our vape pens and started hoofing back lungfuls of sweet sweet shatter vapor. My girlfriend started texting me, bitching at me to pick her up some vag pads on the way home. WTF?? Get up off your fat ass and get 'em yourself I texted back. A barrage of bitchtexts followed, I was a jerk, I was an asshole and bla bla bla... I took a picture of my bare ass and sent it to her as a reply, fuckin bitch, anyway, apparently, this was considered 'indecent exposure' according to the usher-dork who wouldn't shut up about it so we had to leave the movie. We saw those stupid kids in the lobby as we were being escorted out, laughing at US, calling US 'losers'... I wanted to get back at them when they came out, even formed this elaborate plan where we would swoop down on them and soak them with freezing water this time, but we ended up just getting high again then went to Burger King.

My oldest son, as well as myself of course, wanted to watch this movie already before Christmas when it went up Geneva but it was pretty much sold out (unless you wanted to sit at the very edge of the theatre). I manage to book tickets for yesterday though so…here’s my ramblings about the movie. As usual with these kind of movies, where there is a large following of fans, there is also many dissenting voices. Some people apparently are going as far as to want this movie to be undone. Well, my take on that is that these people need to grow up or let go or both. Luke is no longer a young farm boy running around saving the universe. The Star Wars universe and its characters are evolving and that is the way it should be and the way it is. Time for the next generation to pick up the torch. Both me and my son really liked this movie. After the abysmal episodes I to III (Jar Jar Binks still haunts me in my dreams) I have really enjoyed the Star Wars movies. I quite liked The Force Awakens but it is true that it felt a bit like a rehash of A New Hope. Not only does this one not feel like it is reusing old material (too much) but it also feels like it is opening a new chapter in the Star Wars universe. The FX is as good as you have the right to expect from a Star Wars movie. The story is fresh and well developed. It will not win any Oscars of course but I liked it. It makes things evolve while at the same time giving enough room for action and a wee bit of humor. The characters are almost all good and well played. I am looking forward to seeing more of most of them, especially, Rey and Poe. I’m not 100% convinced about Finn and Rose but I can live with them. Kylo Ren do not yet fill up the shoes of Darth Vader but he is showing promise. Contrary to Snoke I do feel he should put on a mask though. The two characters I did not really like was General Hux and DJ. The first one was just incompetent. I’m not sure if he was supposed to be a bit of comical relief or not but, as far as I am concerned, we can do without him. DJ, well I guess he was supposed to not be liked so he did a good job of that but these kinds of assholes just frustrate me to no end. We never saw him actually meet his demise in this movie so if he is brought back I hope it will be for the sole purpose of rectifying that oversight…as violently and painfully as possible. Of course, we saw a few new ships as well and as usual with the Empire bigger is better…or maybe not. Not sure what to say about these new designs. At least they did not look like a enlarged (except for the bridge) Star Destroyer like Darth Vader’s Super Star Destroyer. One thing that really bugged me in the first battle though was the rebels’ so called “bombers”. What kind of bloody moron designed those? They were just so wrong in so many ways. The design itself was just silly looking. They were slower than a flee on a patch of tar. Seriously, a space bomber that crawls along? Actually, why make a “bomber” in space at all? That brings us to the biggest gripe of them all with this ludicrous design…dropping bombs vertically? In space? How the fuck do they fall? Sure they looked somewhat cool when they dropped their bombs…if your knowledge of physics is on the level of your average politician (and obviously a few Hollywood employees as well). Anyway, on the whole me and my son had two and a half hours of great fun watching The Last Jedi. I hope the next movie expands on the threads this one started. I have to say that I was a bit sorry about the feeble state of the resistance at the end, so I do hope the next writer will not let this drag on. One way to ruin Star Wars for me would be to turn Star Wars into some Battlestar Galactica variant with resistance survivors on constant run from the empire. Now it is time for the resistance to strike back, and for Rey to evolve her Jedi powers.